I had my first friendship break-up around 2007 if I can recall. It was with a girl, not in a romantic way. Since I got into the academy of Journalism we became very good friends. That is what I used to think it was.
My very existence kind of relied on her. In those years, people’s opinion had a very high influence on me. I needed the validation from everyone, if I couldn’t get it from my parents. She knew me from my teens to my twenties till now in my thirties. Basically, she knows how I handled life, relationships and career opportunities.
The Story
We were very good friends since my 18 years old, first time at the academy. During my time at the STVS, my former employer, I had different perspectives on relationship. I kind of wrote about it in my previous blog posts. At times we drank coffee or tea, once every month, until the friend, I shall call her Cat, was consistently busy with stuff. The coffee or tea time was a way for us to rekindle and evaluate our life, because we were not in school anymore, and we needed to catch up. I can remember that I grew and realized that Cat was treating me like a little girl. The girl that is still a teen and she needs to ‘protect’. I was very rebellious in my mind- and she couldn’t control me- and I felt more and more that she was pretending to be my mom. At that time in my phase- I didn’t want to know anything that would jeopardize my freedom in a way. Still I tried to be loyal to the friendship and initiate the meet up. We didn’t meet up once every month- it became once every 3 months and then more months in between the meets. I don’t know when we met, but during that afternoon, we both came to a point were we were against an invisible wall with ourself. Guess what happened, I don’t have the letter anymore, or can’t find it, but she wrote me a letter, which would indicate a break-up. I was too much in for the friendship, and was kind of suffocating her by being loyal and initiating meet ups. She needed her space and was dealing with her own problems. She didn’t need me- looking over her shoulders. We broke up and it hurts. Every friend after that heard the story and my disbelief. I was so in shock and couldn’t process or deal with it. I saw Cat during activities- and I don’t know- but I remember that she didn’t even ‘saw’ me. She never said ‘hi’ or that we talked. It’s like she avoided me and didn’t see me. I even saw her with other friends, during the time she needed her space. She just needed her space from me!
After that I met and made new friends- had my second heart break – kind of similar story, but this time it was a guy friend. He made it up, but I couldn’t trust him anymore.
We just stay friends, I mean I don’t have hard feelings- he even married my former best friend- that I considered a best friend.
I wasn’t that of a very good best friend. They didn’t even tell me they were going to marry and that I didn’t got invited.
That time COVID was at play. I am over that, hopefully. lol.
To go back on my story with Cat. Cat did follow me on social media. She didn’t block me or anything. There were small moments after the letter, but after 3 years or so, that she send me text messages on socials – just to say ‘hi’. That is how we rekindled, but we never talked about the issue yet. Until April 2019 when I had to travel to the USA. I needed to print my newly design business card with my logo. Cat worked at a printshop, it was obvious I was going to contact her about the print job. She saw my business card and wanted to talk about it. We had a small get together at my former work and we talked about the issue, not so in-depth. Before I was dropped off at the airport I had some friends over for a small gathering. They were the friends who saw and stayed for the struggle. Believe me some in the group I also haven’t spoken with in a long time. Cat got invited, because she had to bring the prints. At the table; everybody immediately understood that that was the famous girlfriend Cat, who hurt me. They ask her tons of questions putting me and her, kind of at the hot chair to really really talk it through. She felt pressured and drawn into a corner. What she mentioned after the gathering is that she saw that these were the people who made me in who I am, at that moment. She saw growth and she saw the new friends with their mindset. When I came back we had a photoshoot and a lunch date. There we talked more about her and what she was dealing with. I never knew that- Cat is very very very private – and I never figured she had other sexual preferences.
Cat and I didn’t have any of our usual meet up, after that.
A few weeks ago, she contacted me to ask if we could meet up again, as we always did back in my teens.
We kind of reminisced about what truly broke us up, again that same conversation.
She mentioned: that she really appreciated my friendship and that we are still standing – she has very few people, who she is still friends with after 16years. I could pat myself on the back then, because I kept the friendship, even if my trust was broken. Cat has been through a lot and got also trust issue. That means it was not my fault. She mentioned she misses the old time- don’t know what she means, but I don’t miss the old times when thinking of her- it was a phase and I am glad I got pas that. Finally she even acknowledged that I am not that girl anymore but a full grown woman of 34, who celebrated her birthday in style! I am glad she is finally where she wanted to be in life.
I thought I need to put this in writing to never ever forget or just to leave it be. I let go after I have written about it a few times.
Cat and I are not best friends or good- we are just friends- my trust is broken and is not being mended within a few talks.
Trust is earned, because I am not that naive anymore to just give the trust!
