My third and final question that needs to be answered is about the subject love. In my previous blog I told you about a missed opportunity to be published as a guest writer and that I received some questions from the friend to answer. The second question was a heavy one and I let you in something very personal of my childhood. So, with the third and final question, let’s immediately dive into it!
The third question is ‘What do you want people to know when they are thinking about love, art or intelligence?’
Scientific knowledge on art & intelligence
I don’t want to go fully in on what I think of intelligence, but it is a mental ability for me to do certain things in life. Well, Google explained it some what better; the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg defined intelligence as “mental activity directed toward purposive adaptation to, selection, and shaping of real-world environments relevant to one’s life.”
To state the art- I define art as creations made by people who does something not within the status quo. Like intelligence, art doesn’t have a general definition. It is what you made of it, but Google did gave a lead in what art can stand for ‘the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.’ Or ‘the various branches of creative activity, such as music, literature, dance and more.’
Let’s talk about love;
The first thing I want to share about it is Love is that feeling of being home. At home you feel belonged, cherished and accepted for who you are. Even if you experience a tough love kind of situation, when you can’t do stuff, according to your parents, because they know what is best for you. You would always feel the energy that they mean well, especially if they try their best to explain why they thought it wasn’t a good idea. But the love is also, giving you freedom, with the good intent of trusting your own ability as an individual person. This is for me unconditional love – loving me without any conditions. Love in an intimate relationship goes the same way, the only difference is the intimate part. So, when you feel at home, even when there are moments that you want to punch your partner in the face, you wouldn’t want it to be any other person, because after you communicated and listened to each other, all is well. The love is still there.
This is indirectly explained in my previous blogs: I mean as a young lady growing up I didn’t want to have all the responsibilities, especially stepping into different relationships all connected to one pattern, but if I would experience the type of love or the advice a young girl could grew up with, some relationship challenges would not be faced.
Love in movies
It may sound stupid or cheesy, but I believe in ‘happy endings’ or ‘happily ever after’. Why they between apostrophe’s is, because these sayings are usually put in movies/theaters plays, books or songs. Many may not believe in this concept, but hear me out; just when I am writing this- I hear the song with the lyrics; ‘ If “happy ever after” did exist. I would still be holding you like this. All those fairy tales are full of shit. One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick, oh’ from Maroon 5.
A coincidence? No, I don’t think so. Every love story is different and can end up in a heartbreak. I had my fare share on a heartbreak. BUT there are more love songs or movies made to make you feel good. Deep inside us – we want something good for ourself even if we don’t believe it. I cry at every comedy, romance, drama movie. Most of Taylor Swift songs are reminding me of my current relationship. You still remember my playlist blogpost, where I talked about how some songs let me write or bring back beautiful memories. Have you ever watched a movie and thought to yourself why you are so moved by it? It is the type of song, and a small portion of a gesture in the scene ‘he proposed in a very cheesy romantic, almost realistic way’. People do that – they put effort in proposing as to see on social media. I have almost experiences all my fairytales in portions.
My first heartbreak in 2019 felt that I was in a movie; I even wrote how it is going to end – I spoke my lovestory into existence. Let me bring you to some scenes that could be easily put into a movie, a play or a tv-serie.
My 2019 love story
I never saw him, but he definitely noticed me.
I was at a conference, this was around 2017- I was having fun and just when I looked up I locked eyes with a guy on the other side of the dance floor. He was dressed in white shorts or pants and a flower themed shirt- I think it was blue. We danced latin and it was so fun. We talked after and it was a nice conversation. I wanted to continue and invited him to come for a swim. I know I asked him if he was alone or with someone. He said he is not with anyone. I felt so amazing. Went to my room to change and told my girlfriend who was my roommate at the conference that I met a nice guy and felt so in the cloud. She said- well spill the beans when you come back. I went to the pool and went swimming, when I saw him walking very angry away and he never came to the pool. I was devastated. Angry and frustrated I went to my room, told my girlfriend and got a text; with an apology and with a note he forget to mention. He WAS with someone at the conference. So, mad! I broke contact with him.
After two years we met each other again! Coincidence? No!
I tried not be come into his space, because there were eyes who are giving report back to his girlfriend. In the beginning of 2019 I got a text from him, just out of the blue, and he wanted to meet. Oh! Yes! He was still handsome and so hot, I was so in my head. We met, and talked – he told me everything – there were already some red flags, but OMG he noticed me – he wants to get to know me. I wanted this – I waited so long for this- he said everything I wanted to hear – that made the lovestory real and to good to be true. That should be already a red flag. By that time I was ready for a committed relationship but I was also in a transition to being really ready. I opened up myself after Valentine, when I experienced my first Valentine EVER! He transformed his living room to a candlelight dinner with a heart shape pizza and wine. I got a rose and long conversations with a sleep over. My heart was so in awe. I experiences; cuddles, sleepovers, going out as a couple, deep long conversations, and so much amazing steamy sex. Not for long! After 5 months I did felt that something was off – we both were in transition phase- we both weren’t honest – but I blamed him more. He knew I never experienced this and told him I would be opening up myself to him, to finally hear that I am not the woman he is looking for. ‘I am not wifey material’.
I have constantly wanting be wifey material and when I thought he was my prince on the white horse – he was just a stepping stone to better! The last part did not occurred yet, when I was heartbroken and angry, especially when after 3 months, after he told me – he found the woman he was looking for. AFTER The FUCKING THREE MONTHS. How is that even possible? It took me almost a year to get over that- I blocked him- I had a rebound- which is another story on itself. The best thing though is that I met a guy, not the rebound, which whom I talked hours, and it was not even sexual. He was the one who carried me through that year, only with long-distance phone calls.
I even moved from the area where my previous date lived to a different area, which could be a coincidence. But by that time the owner of the house apartment and I had to move.
6 months in that year, 2020, I finally could talk to him again or even see his face. I tried to understand his choice, and the second time I got so mad at him was when he got closure from me and I didn’t even had any fucking closure in that way. I got my closure when I had a very friendly lunch with him and he and his current lady weren’t on good terms – he talked his heart out about that situation and I listened, asked questions and on the same time felt nothing anymore for him. I realized that in those few months I have accepted it and give it a place.
Pssshhh… I can still feel some jealousy, but I don’t want to be with him anymore. Now, reading back on my diaries I spoke this 2019 date into existence. I read about my thoughts about him and the red flags that were there, and I didn’t want to see. When I felt my closure on that lunch. I close his chapter and got into 2021; happy, content and ready for a serious committed relationship without any scenes made up in my head or written. Just going in blank and feeling the vibe, and only going in when the man makes the first moves- that is when we both are on the same level.
Can you not build in a movie scene out of my 2019 love story?! I sure did!
The difference between a movie love story and real life love story
- In real life your love story needs more work – it takes two people to make it work.
- Those two people in real life have their own personality, characters and way they deal with challenges – in a movie there is one or two writers who create personalities, characters, and usually they know how to react to each other to make it work and their own challenges, eventually.
- In real life you don’t know the end goal – you wish to stay together until you get old and wrinkled, but life and time changes, and people grow, sometimes apart and not together.
- In real life you don’t always have that ‘ahaa’ moment to overcome your challenge or rush to your partner, because you made a mistake- you don’t get your happy ending with the person you had in mind.
- You don’t overcome your challenge within 45 minutes. It can take 3 years or more. Your movie ends usually when you die, and all the other characters in your movie, they live further without you.
- For the rest of your life; you make mistakes, you learn, you face challenges, you overcome them, you have highlights and you have down moments. Which a movie kind of has.
- You, in real life, feel everything intenser, then the protagonist or antagonist in the movie, because you in real life are watching him/her making her decisions AND YOUR OWN- just like a friend who watches a friends life getting ruined or getting blessed. Some scenes or situations mentioned in a movie, sometimes feels like your own.
That’s all!
For me every movie genre has something to do with the real world, other wise why would people mentioned it, write it, and show it in movies, read it in books, see it in a play or hear a song about it. People already experienced it or people want to experience it or people are already making it work. ‘People’ are those who are changing society as we speak. Just think back to all the sci-fi movies; tell me if you don’t experience some already in real life. Not going into that – might sound like a conspiracy.
My current date
In my experience is another love story. Netflix has a movie about it, called Love Hard– leaving the cat fishing part out, my love story definitely started with online dating, the part of me going to his house, and the part of me falling in love with the person he is. ?
I think the important of the story is to meet someone who complements you (personality, character, values, beliefs systems, plans in life, etc.) It would not be all great, because there will always be things you will fight about, not agree with and think you need to break up due to those things. But I think if you complement each other in a way – you can hold on to the relationship as long as it doesn’t goes against your intuition or gut feeling. To have a long-distance relationship is very hard. We did a test on our love languages; one of us loves quality time and the other one loves words of affirmation/physical touch. Believe it or not: we FaceTime daily- it is not boring yet – I mean sometimes – but there is enough space- and a time difference to miss each other. A month ago he also visited Suriname to see me. It is my turn to go back and see him.
What’s important to us is communication. Being as open and honest as possible about our feelings and our thoughts. We need to listen and work on the things bothering us.
How do we maintain this relationship: since he visited, we agreed to continue with the relationship for the next 3 to 6 months – to be realistic and responsive to current developments within our lives and in the world.
