The last couple of days in the New Year after my birthday, I have tried to talk reason into a mistake. This mistake is one that I don’t look back too. I don’t know if this mistake put a dumper on me or if it is more. For me to cope with this I stated a few things: don’t tell if it will put a Dench in the relationship or if it might create mistrust. It was an act of selfishness. The question might rise; What is this mistake and why not being honest? Because, I am not proud of it. I don’t want to do it again and I don’t want to create this crack in the wall. I want to put it behind me and be better, from this point on.
My new year started amazing, yet bumpy within myself. I have some goals, some tasks to finish, to write off the list. And yet, I feel that I haven’t moved a muscle, regarding those. I have tried, but if I look at the calendar or the visual board I created, I have so much open sections, which leaves me feeling unaccomplished. Most of my friends would see this as an opportunity to be better and achieve better, the next time, or tomorrow. I, on the other hand, gets overwhelmed, bored, lazy, and super unproductive. Mind you, that in my head I want to be productive. I know I have the goals, the tasks and the list to write of or to finish. And guess what, they keep piling up or becoming an unfinished business. What do I have to be proud of when talking with productive friends; the same old things. Talking about the same old things was so many years ago. I don’t want to become that person again. I don’t want to spiral. I feel I am spiraling. Who knows better, right?
Does it have something to do with the mistake?
I think that maybe the mistake got me off track. But there is so much going on too. The best way to put my thoughts in order is 1 talk with people that are my ankers in life, and 2 write al that is said- the writing should be by hand on a piece of paper or journal. Now, I am writing on a digital document. It feels different, like I miss a few things AND I am writing in English instead of my native language, Dutch. I write in English and Dutch, mostly English, because I want to reach an international audience. It was always my dream to become a world citizen. To state the fact, and not coming off arrogant- I do have good ideas- but I am not good at execution and on the other side- good at it too. Contradicting much? No, not really, I just need to be better in one thing and figure out what the other thing is and how that other thing is being triggered. In my head, right now, I am getting sidetracked and want to do something else, maybe write this down. I feel some of my thoughts needs to be on paper. I sound so confusing and complex, even unnecessary. Yet, I understand it and if I don’t I edit- the perfect thing while writing digitally, nobody can see that mistake. Guess it is like the mistake if nobody sees or knows than me. Neat!
Ok! I had a December, I treated like my last one in Suriname- I went all out on some ways- like money spending and staying up late till the mornings. Than I had to focus on my birthday- big money spender on that one and than thinking about my move and my trip to the USA and Asia simultaneously. It can be overwhelming, if you are not use to so much pressure and fixing or challenges at the same time. You have well balanced life, well planned and everything is figured out for you by your partner. And yet, I got stuck and overwhelmed, wait! I did not add finishing work projects. Talking about piling up stuff huh! It feels good, comfortable and nothing to worry. I can be myself, worry about me, and the rest is figured out. My boyfriend is figured out, but that is not true, that needs work and some effort too. I am use to being alone, not to feel loved and also wanting the love. I am use to being alone and now feel love and have the love, that I am taking it for granted, especially by me being in a long distance. That’s why we are doing this year a little bit different. Hopefully a little bit better.
On the other hand when my partner wants to fix stuff, because he loves fixing things, I love to go with the flow. AND I noticed that we have the things we love also in our partner but then we see that in different areas in our life comes into play.
I got two small writing-on-paper exercises to do, before I can tackle the big list, goals, and other tasks I assign myself to do, since last year.
Let me go sit with myself again, being 35, and do this one personal development exercise to help me get better, and grow by fixing the stuff inside me. We are always growing and self improving- it is the hardest life job or lifestyle ever.