Why haven’t I written in so long? The short answer is that I have had so much self awareness, that at a certain point I was to content with myself and it was not necessary to share anymore, at least for me. I thought that I have no specific story to tell.
Nobody has not nothing to say. It’s almost impossible; even the person with a standard life pattern has something to tell, even though it is a story of getting up, going to work, getting back home – sleep and repeat. One day something might change.
There was a period that I wrote about some very intimate and personal experience on relationships. The platform I mostly used was/is Facebook. Listening back to a music list I made during the period I thought I was in love with this 2019 date – maybe I WAS in love with him- My very first in love experience -Now, I do wonder if it is really love I felt. He never really loved me back. It is not possible to not think about him when I hear the songs in the playlist. Beautiful songs with a story, a history that is just a fond memorie. Sometimes it feels that I haven’t truly let go of him – I am not angry at him anymore – but many stuff reminds me of him.
Just to share that within the same playlist of 72 songs at number 34 the story starts to change and focused more on my heartbreak and me seeking self love. This seeking self love also indicated to some rebound intimacy which got almost out of hand. My new 2020 lover made me question my own ability within relationship, and put my qualifications of a partner on paper for more perspectives. He also challenged me professionally and personally – he gave me the opportunity to be myself. It was not easy for me – the scars on me were very very deep. Of course there are some scars to be seen, to remind me, and those make me also who I am. There was a moment I disliked his behavior. Looking back and evaluating: the best thing that happend to let me continue my journey further. I needed it, not to hold, but to experience.
One song even gave me the feeling that love is not for me and still hoping/believing that I will experience my fairytale life.
My new playlist consists of stories for an eventually a movie or online serie for a love story.
I am content and it does feel a little as the rhythmic breathing of a normal heart you see on a defibrillator. When trying to explain my feeling I initially thought of that same defibrillator, but a flat heart rhythmic heartbeat, only that it means that I might be dead or the relationship is very dull. It seems like a dull boring life – and the funny yet best thing about it is, is that I DO FEEL satisfied, even if this sounds like I am convincing myself – I can’t think of the same things I use to write about – that is crazy, right?! Now, I can use my free time/my energy, I used for chasing, seeking, finding and getting validation and attention, to focus on the other things I am also working on, but couldn’t manage to have consistency in that process.