In my previous blog I told you about a missed opportunity to be published as a guest writer and that I received some questions from the friend to answer. Let’s immediately dive into it! The second question is ‘Can I give advise to my daughter if I would have one?’
This is a closed question. I can answer it with ‘Yes’ and be done with it. But I guess that is not what you want. If that is the answer I have nothing more to add. Let me rephrase that question in: What advise would I give my daughter if I had one?
- Be yourself
- You are enough
- You are worth it
- You are very smart and talented
- I support you
- I love you
- I MEANT EVERYTHING I SAID
These are words I would have love to hear or at least felt from growing up as an adult woman. Parents don’t really understand that every negativity or past trauma, they haven’t dealt with by confronting and accepting it, is being past on to their children. Some children, depends off how many they reproduce, carry it with them, other toss it out and many suppress it, not fully aware of the patterns they show in their own life and relationships. Don’t tell me I was too little to know or understand, and I can not know, because I am not educated in this subject. My past and childhood experience is mine, and I think I know what I have felt.
Science
Science even backs me up on this; the programming phase of a child starts between 0-7 years old. As expert says- the 5 stages of child development is the cognitive -, social & emotional -, speech & language -, fine motor skill-, and gross motor skill development. The stage that I find most important for the programming is at the social & emotional development. At this stage especially between 0-7 years old, a baby glance at the mother/father, while smiling, crying or ‘talking’. I think at this age range- the parent is talking to the baby- so I might think that the baby feels his mother energy and his surroundings. I even know that in the belly of the mother the connection is already made with his outside world around 23 weeks of pregnancy. At 18 months curiosity starts; he accomplished something and is proud, he recognizes himself in the mirror and he explores his surroundings. A parent mirrors back with words, and behavior (verbal & non-verbal). Between 2 and 5 years old his surroundings grow; he goes to kindergarten and plays with other kids, developing empathy, social & communicative skills. His parents reactions and behavior is once again crucial. And then at 6-8 years they mimic an adult behavior. In this stage as a parent you can know what you projected on your kids. I don’t have children and I might not understand, but I am sorry to say that I have to share where I come from.
My childhood
I come from divorced parents- a situation where I choose at the court to either stay with my dad or go with my mom. Before that situation occurred I was dragged from one parent to another, with my late grandmother as a middle person. During that time- my mom was pregnant off my brother. I disliked my stepfather & mother, because my late grandmother would talk ill about them and I wanted my parents to get back together. My father loved me and would beat my late grandmother if she ‘used’ me to get free taxis when going to sell peanuts on the streets. My father is on drugs- I choose him during a sleepover and didn’t want to go back to my mother, because I thought I could make him better again. His behavior was always different when I was around. My childhood living with him was ok, but I could experience how cruel my late grandmother would have been to other children. On a rainy day, when my father was at work, my mom send someone to ‘fetch’ me. I still can remember a white car. They tricked me to go in the car. I wanted to see my mother, but I thought it was just seeing her and go back inside. So, I went in the car, they locked the door and drove away- they kept me. I was afraid, sad and mad, also because my father would be so mad when he would come back from work. That is how the trial of ‘who will get the daughter’ started. I blamed myself for that part- I should just have gone home after the sleepover at my dad. My family members don’t know this story. I know that they won’t believe me. My late grandmother was a saint around them, and I don’t have a great family bond with the family on my fathers side. Can you guess how old I was? Between 5 and 7 years old. Of course older family members will think I don’t know. I even have a memorie that I was in my moms belly and my late grandmother would have scold my mother. Do you sense what kind of childhood I had between my birth till 7 years old? What type of past trauma I developed that resulted in deep wounded patterns I didn’t know came from that phase in childhood? How I dealt with relationships, intimacy, and love? How my self-image and self-worth is created? Do you know how many years I asked myself what was wrong with me, and at 16 years old didn’t want to live anymore- because I thought nobody loves me? Why the heck am I on earth?
Awareness & Decision
I blamed the person who gave birth to me. Little that I know that that person has past traumas to deal with, even now. My actual growth of being aware, being in denial, then acknowledge and finally accept me, started in 2015. The year I took the step to live independently. Not an easy step.
I might have become aware at 16 years old, after the intervention, that I asked one question: ‘Why am I on earth?’ I started to search for answers and some questions got answered, and some are yet to be answered. Life is a journey and I accepted that in some ways. While searching for who I am and why I should live, I made so many mistakes on relationships. It took me 10 years, to figure out that I was seeking emotionally unavailable men to fill up the parent love & intimacy. I knew that having a child of my own is not on my books. Every parent thinks that when they have a child, or experienced an unplanned pregnancy, they will do so much better than their own parents, with the best intention, they do, but the irony of it all. I observe and I think it’s better for me to be childless, and I support every woman or man who have that dream or feel needed to reproduce. I salute them! At times I might even spoil and be the favorite aunty.