A Christmas Evening Scribble

How I reread my diaries (some 1 on 1 wisdom nugget) 

It’s Christmas, first day of Christmas in Suriname. The neighbors are celebrating and it bothers me slightly. I have my music on, and am cleaning up the second room a bit.

A few days ago I was looking for something in my book container. It is impossible to put the books and diaries in unsorted, so they lay on the floor for a few days.

So as I take the time tonight to re-sort the books and diaries, I’m flipping through my old diaries and reading a few pages.

Made myself a tea and eat cake from the night before Christmas party.

When I read, I encounter myself again and relive the moments.

Thoughts that remind me of all the goals I so desperately want to achieve, and also times when I’m at a loss with myself.

As always it happens that I get even more paper (than is already in the container), also my laptop and then I write. I also promised myself to publish a post every Sunday for Perixcope.

How I read my diaries on Christmas day

What I do is scan the first and last pages and flip through for a while. 

Reading back through my diaries gives one a slight annoyance, as I wrote a lot about my relationship related ‘problems’. There just doesn’t seem to be a solution. Of course, I see a process and I recognize growth, and improvement and new writing style, but the thread can be so drawn out. In a movie, it’s only told in a few minutes: the storyline. 

Why bring my laptop into the picture?

It was because of a text from March 8, 2016 with questions like; Who is Xaviera L. Arnhem? What does Xaviera L. Arnhem want? What does Xaviera L. Arnhem stand for? Is there a deeper meaning? And many more questions. (See photo) That is how this blog story came to be. 

Why is it so hard to lead myself? 

Very funny this, when I read it back, I don’t remember anything about boyfriends or darlings I nicknamed- because then I have to scan through the whole journal and that’s exhausting. I thought I would still remember them.? Yet another so-called coincidence ( I don’t believe in coincidences) is that I open a journal and read a text written before Christmas and on the second day of Christmas of the year 2016, while tonight is Christmas Day. Suriname celebrates two days of Christmas. The text: ‘I live on my own, few friends,’ and describe my feeling as to be ‘delightful’. The questions asked that year is the level of importance or priority in sharing my time and energy with someone. ‘Is there security? Mutual interest? Is there clarity? Is there communication? Who do we let go of and who do we let in?’ In the end, everything starts with(in) me and I need to search and find the answers within me. At the end of that year, I ask myself what I will do with a boyfriend, a committed relationship, because I assume that the activities I think I will do with a boyfriend, I already do with friends and lovers. Then I describe an in-love-feeling that is an idea and doesn’t necessarily come from me heart, because the vicious thing is in the sentence that is also put down throughout the text is: ‘yes, but not sure if the love is mutual’. The love so far has never been mutual. So, the uncertain, unclear continues to play a role. When I turn 30 in 2018 – other questions begin to play a role: ‘Is it necessary to own the things- that society has held as values and norms; a child, a husband, a home of one’s own and a steady job’. The above is still characterized as stability. Even in the uncertainty and while discovering life, there is stability. It is a mindset. The funny thing is that I realize that ‘things come to you when you as a person are ready for them – and sometimes you think you are not ready, but when you look back at the challenge, you realize that you were ready! 

Create your lifestyle

I already knew how I want to live my life; when I block all the noise and I am in zen- I finally live my life- that I have wanted for a long time- a very long time, almost 10+ years. 

A text from diary May 15, 2018 says it all: ‘First step: What do you want to do with your life? Your job is not a goal, but a lifestyle, because you can create multiple sources of income with your job/skill. Second, creating your lifestyle is easy especially if you know what you want – how you already saw your life when you visualize it. With me ‘not being tied to a set schedule’, more freedom to think, travel more often for work and fun, live more freely. And step 3 is what is your roadmap: how much money do you need to live according to your lifestyle? It’s a conscious and maybe unconscious design, because somewhere when you were a child you had a dream that you wanted or want to become or have when you grow up. Somewhere growing up it got knocked down and you strongly believed it couldn’t be done. Step 4 is to work on plan 3: execute it!’ 

Also, you have to admit where you are, where you really are in life now, and it’s not a sin, because with that knowledge you can get back on your own journey, on your own track. No one can tell you it’s wrong-because at the end of the day, you are now an adult and you make your own choice-not others. What others say? ABCDEF, them! I learn this in my opinion the hard way. 

Recognizing my growth

My diaries are starting to get better too…hahaha…like they were sick! No, I’m starting to write a little differently and finally I’m actually living my life. Of course it doesn’t always go super smooth, but that happens in life. That also makes us stronger. In this phase we live and work from within ourselves- ‘when you start from within yourself, it has to do with self-image.’ What is your starting point? What do you believe in? Do you fully stand behind it? Can you understand it, explain it and fight for it? That is the meaning/purpose of life (Diary, June 6, 2018). The following chapters have led to where I am today. This is in English, so easy to read along. After I wrote these words you read in the pictures – my life will take a turn. I already felt that my life is almost at its full potential where I will be content with. I know myself better and better. At that time I was dating my 2019 date– and left for an IVLP-program to America – as you saw I wrote that text at June 2nd of that year. It was the chapter of a transition to open myself up, to be ready or be prepared. 

I think we are still learning while we life. A new diary on March 31, 2020, I continue to choose for myself, and try to get better after each new diary or scribble on a note. And then I pretty much stopped writing and within that same year – a ‘pandemic’ came upon us and I traveled to America again for another program for more than a month. And guess what challenge I came across- I got a boyfriend – something I wasn’t looking for, but I wanted to meet people or go out. I was ready!